The Art Of Not Giving a Crap.

I am slowly learning an important life lesson. It's one of those things that people can tell you over and over again, but you really need to figure it out for yourself, in your own time.

I suppose a little background would help. As you may or may not know, I am a singer/songwriter. I have recorded music with my best friend in China (gotta love modern technology!) as well as on my own. Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I am VERY sensitive when it comes to my music! I create it to share, and when the response is less than I had hoped for, I become discouraged and depressed. I feel like my songs are an extension of myself. So, when people reject my music, it's like they're rejecting me!

Over sensitive of me, I know. The truth is that my musical sensibilities aren't exactly mainstream. My musical taste is diverse and varied, and that influences my songwriting. The end results, I'm sure, are not what people are used to or expecting to hear. So should I be surprised when something I put my heart into is met with indifference? No. Should I change it to suit their tastes, serving it up to them as they like in the hopes of pleasing them? Hell no!

It's interesting, the conflicting feelings within someone in the arts. I can only speak for myself, of course. But I'm sure these feeling are not uncommon.

I make music in the hopes of touching hearts. Speaking to souls. Reaching at least a few people with song. Moving them as I have been moved so many times by music. So, in that sense, yes, there is that need to be liked. That longing for the approval of others.

But there is another part of me that is perhaps more dominant. The part that says "These songs are a reflection of me. Yes, I really want you to like them! It would be great if you validate my work with your approval. But if you don't, suck it! Like I said, these songs are a reflection of who I am. And I'm not about to change just to please you! I can't pretend to be something that I'm not, in life or in music."

Which brings me back to the life lesson I was talking about. For so long, people have been saying to me:

"Just make music because you love it. Don't worry about who's listening."

For a long time, I thought those people were just using that as an excuse for being crappy friends. In some cases, that's probably true. But others...I know that they meant well and were being good friends. And in case you're wondering, I do know who falls into which category. I can sense both BS and good intentions very well.

Anyway, about a month ago, I finally got it. Who am I living my life for, anyway? In the grand scheme of things, why do I care what random strangers, casual acquaintances and so-called friends think - or don't - about my music? In the end, they'll go on with their lives, and I'll go on with mine, and we probably won't give much, if any, thought to each other. I mean, really. In my life, the only people who's opinions hold any weight with me are my family and friends. But even they don't have a final say in who I am. Still, these people love and support me, even if they don't always understand me.

So I figured I need to apply this attitude to my music as well as my life. I sing because I love it! Music is a passionate, spiritual, and deeply personal thing for me! Through song, I communicate better than I could even hope to in conversation. No matter how discouraged I may feel at times, no matter how often I feel I am singing out to indifference, I won't stop! I can't stop! I refuse!

Not giving a crap isn't easy. There are days when I'm more sensitive. Days when I need to remind myself why I do what I do. I sing because of the joy it brings me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I now know to follow my passion. To do what brings me happiness. If I am happy, if I do things that nourish my soul and bring out my authentic self, it reflects into my interactions with others. In that way, I make a difference. We all have an impact on those we connect with. So in that sense, I guess that I am touching lives through music.

(By the way, if you're interested, you can learn more about my music at http://www.julietandseila.com)

Happy 9th birthday, William!

9 years ago today, at 3:06am, William was born - and my life changed forever! Becoming a mother truly is a life changing experience, and these last 9 years certainly have been an adventure! But I would trade it for the world! I love William so very much! Happy birthday, my sweet William!

Why the Name Change?

Honestly, I never really liked the old name of the blog. I just hated it the least out of all the names I could think of.

But also, when we started this blog, I had this crazy idea that it would be a very popular, linked back to and talked about blog in terms of AMWF (Asian male white female) relationships. Pretty silly of me, huh? Until recently, I wasn't even that great about posting here. Also, THAT blog, the well-known, go-to blog for all things AMWF, already exists. There may even be a few blogs that are thought of as THAT blog. That's fine. It's not a popularity contest. Anyway, I enjoy reading those other blogs.

Really, though, even though it says "AMWF" in the title of our blog, and even though we do try and represent, this blog doesn't center around race. I don't always make a point to say "look at how Asian my husband is, look at how different we are!"
Because even though Dave is Asian American, he is very much an American. It's funny, actually. I'm more interested in speaking Mandarin than Dave is. You're more likely to catch me listening to Fahrenheit or S.H.E or watching Taiwanese or Korean dramas. Dave isn't into those things. When I crave sushi, he wants steak. I'll use chopsticks for my take out, Dave uses a fork.

Dave is also more interested in Western history and culture. Whereas I love to learn about Eastern history and culture. That's not to say he denies his Asian American identity or I reject my European American identity. We just both love learning and are very open minded. I guess that's why it works. We meet in the middle and balance each other out.

So our racial make up won't necessarily define our blog. Sure, it will come up from time to time. But this is a blog about our family. It's a blog about our marriage. And every now and then one of us might go off and talk about something completely random and off-topic for this blog. More likely me. I have a warped, snarky sense of humor and extremely strong opinions. I'm thinking I just might let them out on a more regular basis!

That's all for today. Of course I included cute pics of my kids, because they are awesome!

I Welcome It!

Aria talks up a storm now! She knows her ABCs, can count to 10, name some body parts, knows "up", "down", "in", "out", can say "blocks", name some animals, say "doll"...and much more! She is a very playful and interactive girl!

People often joke with me. "Just you wait! One day, you'll be wishing she'd shut up."

I doubt it.

I love all three of my children with all my heart. And I am certainly proud of the boys and thankful for the wonderful gifts that they are. But it's been hard. William didn't talk until he was 4. Xander will be 5 in May and he's still not talking. I always longed for that interaction. That communication. Having a child come up to me and want to talk to me. To engage in play with me. Yes, Aria pesters me all the time. But I LOVE every second of it!

Here are some videos of Aria talking. One of her counting, and one of her naming parts of the face. Enjoy!

Happy Valentine's Day! (Thinking back on 10 years)

Before I continue with this post, please note that not only has the name of this blog changed, the URL has as well. I'll go into the name change in the next post. But today, it's all about love.

10 years ago yesterday, Dave and I exchanged our first e-mails. 10 years ago today, we had our first chat on instant messenger, and 10 years ago this coming Thursday, we had our first phone call. These dates are very significant as they helped to build the foundation of our relationship. Planted the seeds of romance, I guess you could say.

I remember that first instant message chat. I joked "it's Valentine's Day and I don't have chocolate." Dave asked me "you like chocolate?" I replied "of course I like chocolate. I'm a woman." Funny that I should remember that exchange 10 years later.

I also remember our first call. Not what was said, but the feeling I got from it. Dave called me, and we talked for over two hours. After we hung up, I laid down to sleep, feeling incredibly happy. I hadn't even seen a picture of Dave at this point. But somehow, I knew that he was the man I would marry.

There will probably be a lot of reflection here this year on the last 10 years. Lately, I find myself feeling very nostalgic. I look back fondly on those early days of our relationship, and think of the memories we made over time. We have faced difficulties in our marriage, no question. But, having come through them, I feel that our love has strengthened. It does, indeed feel new again. But with a healthy dose of the reality we live in to keep the love passionate, yet grounded.

Happy Valentine's Day!

All About William.

When I look at how far William has come, I feel so proud of him, and full of happiness and hope for him. It will be five years this coming April since he said his first word. "Apple." He was 4 years old at the time. He'll be 9 next month, and he talks up a storm! He sings, too, obviously getting his love of and taste in music from me.

Recently, William discovered the power of the word "no". He still doesn't get that just because he says "no" doesn't necessarily mean that he can get out of doing something. Still, it's pretty funny to hear William blurt out the word with such stubborn defiance.

William listens and follows directions really well, and wants to make sure that we know it! He'll even go so far as to take Xander by the hand and bring him over to us when we call him, as if to say "see how good I am? I brought Xander to you because I'm the good brother and I was listening." Too funny!

Hard to believe that, just five years ago, I was uncertain he'd even talk. What an amazing kid!

All About Xander.

Last October, Xander was officially diagnosed with autism. This was news that I feared, but it didn't surprise me. He didn't show much of an interest in anything at all, didn't care that much about social interaction, and basically just walked around/wandered aimlessly, despite our best efforts to get him to focus and/or play. I think he would do better if he wore his glasses, but he has refused to do so for awhile.

I can see why they call autism a "spectrum". Xander is very different from William. William was talking by the time he was 4. Xander will be 5 in May, and still isn't talking, though he does vocalize a lot. William was already interested in books, puzzles and music. Xander doesn't show much of an interest in anything. Except for books. He will sit and read forever. Just don't try to read to him, or he will walk away. Ha!

But Xander is a sweet and wonderful boy in his own right. He is very sensitive and does have moments when he is very emotionally attached. And even though he he often off in his own little world, more and more, he comes up to me for hugs and gives me real smiles and eye contact! Today, he even let me play blocks with him! Seeing this progress is so encouraging! Now That Xander has started speech and occupational therapy, I am sure the improvements will be even greater! Regardless, I love him to pieces! He is who is is, and he is perfect for who he is supposed to be.